In a previous post I wrote about honesty and how I have struggled with being honest with my wife. Unfortunately, this has caused some strife between us. Everyday she asks if I have been drinking and taking my meds. In which I assure her I have, but since I have lied before it is hard for her to believe me. In fact, she doubts that I have 29 days sober. It has been hard this past month to stay sober without her support but I understand the disappointments that I have put her through. The support I am getting has come from AA meetings (although I don’t talk and have a sponsor yet). I also understand that support is a two street and that I haven’t been supportive of her.
So what is the answer? I guess time is the answer. However, I ruined that as well. I told her time and time again that I was going change, that it was just going to take time, and that she needed to be patient with me. So what is different about this time? I don’t know. I just know that inside for me it feels different. I am tired of hurting her and seeing her disappointment in me. I don’t know how I am going fix this.
On a positive note, my wife and I have started a support group that is 12 weeks long (Started two weeks ago). It is offered through National Alliance Mental Illness (NAMI). The classes are taught in two different rooms. One designated for family members (Family to Family) and the other for those with mental illness (Peer to Peer). It is designed to help us learn coping mechanism and understanding of the illnesses. It is my understanding that after the 12-week program we both will have a better understanding and respect for each other.
I know that there is a lot more I need to talk about and give a more accurate picture of our history, but that will have to come at a later time. Right now the important thing to know is that I have been unsupportive of her, thus her reservations for supporting me. I have a problem being completely truthful and honest with her, suffer from mental illness, and that I’m an alcoholic are all valid reasons for her reservations.
“Out of difficulties grow miracles.”
— Jean de la Bruyere