Wow. What the f@#k just happened? I’m sitting at my local coffee-house just wondering what the hell just happened. My wife came home from volunteering at a local charity organization and all hell just broke out. Today’s tirade dates back to the August 15th incident when I promised her that I would not lie, drink or smoke. However, she believes that I lied to her about my ex-wife and the reason for our divorce.

The story I told my wife is that my ex and I broke up because she didn’t love me as I loved her. However, I omitted (which is still lying) the fact that I had her arrested for domestic violence and immediately after that she left me. I failed to explain in complete details that our marriage was over long ago and that she had in fact falling out of love with me. However, this is unimportant as she feels the reason for the divorce is the arrest. Omission is lying and failing to mention this when explaining the divorce is a lie.

Even in my previous marriage I feared abandonment, and cut off communication like I am doing now with my current wife. I have a history of unstable relationships as my previous relationship, prior to my ex-wife, involved a long-term relationship of 10 years. She as well, was arrested for domestic violence, and attempted manslaughter (all charges eventually dismissed). Fast forward to my current wife who was charged with domestic violence on March 12, 2018. But yet she has stuck by my side. Even when she found out that I was an alcoholic. It was because of my drinking that led to her being arrested. She had no idea that I was drinking every day or had a problem with alcohol. My past three relationships have all ended up with an arrest for domestic violence. Do you see the pattern here?

Part of borderline personality disorder includes difficulty in trusting. So maybe deep down I am scared to tell the truth because I am afraid of how I will be perceived in her eyes. Will I be rejected or abandoned? The feeling of unworthiness confines me. I feel like a stranger in my own body. As if I am on the outside looking at me and not recognizing the person that stands before me.

In conclusion, I came to the coffee shop to be safe in the current situation at home. My goal was to do some homework but my mind was/is racing and am unable to complete anything. So I decided that I would write what I am feeling. Although I am feeling worthless and empty, I know that this feeling is temporary and that things will get better. It’s just fighting the feeling and hating the current situation that is the hardest part. The waiting for everything to get better again.

Will I ever be able to be fully honest with my wife (lasting thought)?

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