So today my wife decided that she has had it with my mental illness, alcohol addiction, and lying(Lying, if I’m being truthful). She has decided that she no longer wants to be in a romantic relationship with me. Rather, she sees us more of a partnership, companion, a team if you will. Superficially we are awesome. It’s just the emotional connection on a serious side that we have our challenges. On a previous post (It’s Over) I asked if this was the beginning of the end. Two days later, and it looks like we have an answer.
Last night she slept in a separate bedroom and I had the worst night of sleep. I woke up every couple hours looking to see if she was next to me. Hoping that she would have sneaked into bed sometime throughout the night. Needless to say I woke up this morning alone and feeling worthless, and depressed. The thoughts that raced through my mind were unpleasant and are still speaking to me as I write this post.
The one thing I have going for me is that I got out of the house and am sitting at a coffee shop. I also have an AA meeting in about an hour. I know that this feeling of wanting to drink is not the answer and this to shall pass. The main thing I need to do is keep myself busy and mind occupied so I don’t drink. Mixing meds and alcohol are never a good idea. It is my experience that if I lay around the house feeling self-pity then my demons get the best of me. That is the problem with mental illness is that the feelings and voices just keep coming. There is no silence, but rather noise that can’t be blocked. The feeling of irritability and anxiousness takes complete control of my body. I know these feelings are temporarily, nevertheless they are hard to ignore.
I am struggling to accept this new living arrangement. It is not how I envisioned my life or marriage for that matter. If I could stop the dishonesty I am confident that my wife will come around and be a partner in this marriage once again.