It has been an interesting 48 hours to say the least. Let’s first talk about last night (Thursday). The wife and I were fighting as usual. Seems to be a regular occurrence. I am at my wit’s end and don’t know what to do. We were arguing about something, I can’t even remember about what. Something to do with my past lies or lying. So, I took out my phone and started to record the conversation. This made her extremely upset and took my phone. She refused to give it back and would make screams and vocalizations that I was hurting her and trying to abuse her. All of this was the benefit of the recording and to draw attention to the police if they were to arrive. What eventually ended up happening was me chasing her around the house to get my phone back. It eventually led to her tripping and falling and hitting her head. This was enough to scare the both of us. The rest of the night I took care of her and nursed her to ensure she didn’t have a concussion.
Ultimately, because of her hitting her head, I missed my weekly bipolar/depression meeting. Something that I look forward to every week. A place where I get to share my thoughts and feelings with other people who struggle like myself. It is a good place to go to just be heard and feel like a normal human being. A place I can be myself without being judged. I feel safe there. Unfortunately, part of me feels guilty and angry. I feel guilty that I am angry, I missed my meeting because my wife got hurt (concussion). What sick person thinks this way? However, we ended the night on a positive. We slept in the same bed and I held her all night in my arms. It was a wonderful feeling that I miss. (For those of you who don’t follow my blog, I had mention in a post 2 days ago how my wife decided that she no longer wanted to be romantically involved with me and that she will be sleeping in a separate bedroom. (You can read the post here.)
This morning (Friday) I woke up holding my wife and it was a great feeling to have her in my arms and not fighting. But what comes up must eventually come down. Regrettably that happened just moments after we awoke. She remembered the events from last night differently then I recall and thus caused her anger to manifest and unleash on me with a barrage of verbal insults. Regardless of whose account is accurate, we both believe that we cannot continue our lives this way. Someone is going end up hurt or in jail. Since I am the one with mental illness I am the one who would get committed to a psych unit.
With the bad eventually comes to good. This weekend is our weekend to spend with her son. We always have great weekends when he is with us. We are able to put our differences aside and have a wonderful family weekend. There are no arguments or fighting as we put his needs first. He is aware of my mental illness and knows that I attend meetings, but he does not allow that to cloud his opinion of me. He is an amazing 9-year old. I look forward to this weekend, putting behind Thursday night, and hopefully working my way back into my wife’s good graces.