I find myself yet again sitting at a coffee house. Another episode with the wife that caused me to leave before something terrible would happen. It all started with a simple game of tennis. What should have been an enjoyable few games of tennis turned into an episode of wife going bat shit crazy on me. After she was down four games to none, she started acting weird. She accused me of being in a “funk” and not being my normal self. Another words, she was hinting at the fact that I was having a mental breakdown/episode. Since I said to her “No, I was fine!”, that instigated the fight. She automatically assumed that I didn’t take her feelings into consideration. That it wasn’t about me, and was about how she perceived the situation. In my opinion, I think that she was mad at the fact that she was down four games and felt that I was playing to aggressive. Which in fact was not the case. I was just getting lucky with a few shots and she had a lot of unforced errors. But of course, she didn’t see it this way. This was just the tip of the iceberg. There was a lot more to follow.
On Tuesdays, my wife volunteers for a non-profit mental health agency. Every time she comes back from volunteering, it seems like she comes home a different person. It’s as if her head gets filled with all kinds of ideas about mental health and mental illness, but not in a good way. Today was no different. After we started the argument on the tennis court she started to mention details about her time volunteering today. Like for starters, she interviewed or should I say talked with the director of the organization, the assistant director, a colleague and director of a domestic violence group. Whom all four concluded that she is a victim of domestic violence. Not physical, but mental and emotional. She honestly believes that I am emotionally and mentally abusive towards her. Yet, it is her that verbally abuses me more times than not. I truly feel in my heart that I don’t emotionally abuse her, and that I am the one who is always on the receiving end of her angry outbursts and verbal assault of insults. I only return the insults after instigated. We both say things that we later regret. Unfortunately, once it is said it can’t be taken back. Some of the insults really hurt and doesn’t help that I already suffer from depression and mental illness. But it seems to make no difference to her. I think that she feeds of my mental illness and gets some sick high from making me feel even worse than I already do. It’s like a power trip for her.
When we got home from the tennis courts the argument continued in the car out front of the house. We actually talked like adults for about twenty minutes until her anger got the best of her and had another angry outburst and name calling. I opened the car door and began to get out. She threatened me to not get out of the car. She got out first, ran to the house, opened the door and quickly locked the door behind her. As I attempted to enter the residence she began yelling that I was hurting her and twisting her arm as she pleaded for me to get away and cried for help. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. Meanwhile, keep in mind that I am on the outside of the door and she is on the inside holding the door shut. Luckily there were no neighbors around or else they would think for sure that I/we are crazy. She finally opened the door and let me in and continued to scream “get away from me… I’m heading downstairs… Don’t hit me, etc.” At this point I had had enough. I grabbed my phone and started to record as I was getting my laptop and textbook so I could leave and get out of the house. Give her and myself time to calm down. Nothing good was going to come with me staying in that situation.
A couple hours later I returned to the house. Offered to make dinner which she declined. Resorted to calling me “Mikey”, which she said she wouldn’t do (find the post here). So I made dinner and then retreated to my bedroom. Took an anxiety pill and continued to write.
It is now Wednesday morning and I have been debating on whether or not to post this. I guess since you are reading this then you know my decision. I came to the conclusion that I write about my daily life whether good or bad and to keep this out of journaling would be wrong. So thank you for coming down this dark road with me.