Another night passed, and another day I slept alone. Starting to get used to this whole not sleeping with my wife. Not willingly, but have no other choice. This morning she awoke and made it a point to be extremely quiet as she sneaked out the door on her way to work. Which is fine with me as I didn’t really want to argue or fight first thing in the morning when I’m trying to wake up. I wanted to have a good day and not start it off with a silly argument which never gets us anywhere. I wanted to confront her about the emails I found with her and another man (read the story here). But I guess that fight will have to wait a little longer.

After she left, I had my morning coffee and started to get ready for the day. I had my therapist appointment at 11am and that went well. I ended up telling him everything from the events that transpired the other day, and asked him if porn was cheating (read the story here). Needless to say that he was shocked and concerned for my safety. We talked about the differences between a health and unhealthy relationship. We both came to the unanimous conclusion that I am in an unhealthy relationship. Alas, what am I to do? For now, just wait it out and hope that it gets better. On the list of things that top a healthy marriage, there were zero check marks. On the things that make up an unhealthy relationship, 15 of the 17 options was checked. Hmmm… nothing that I didn’t already expect.

After my therapist session, I wasn’t in the mood to attend my regular noon AA meeting. I just was feeling out of it and didn’t feel like being around people. I also skipped my regular Friday bipolar meeting. Something with meeting with my therapist just kind of put me in a mood. Hard to handle the truth when you don’t really want to hear it, but sometimes you need that tough love.

Now I get to sit at home and wait patiently for my wife to come home from work. This has got to be the most anxious I get all day. When she is gone I’m a totally different person. It’s just when she is home I become a different person. When she is gone, I have a perfect day. No arguing, yelling, name calling, verbal assaults, its wonderful. Now as she comes home, my mind races with thoughts of oh crap, whats going to happen. Is she going to be in a bad mood. Is she going to want to fight. All of these things go through my head and what can I do to minimize the chances of an outburst. So I do what I always do, I put the fake smile on and pretend everything is ok. If we can keep it superficial then we are a happy couple… well at least on the surface.

She came home and everything was fine. She ended up bringing home some beef brisket from a local food truck vendor and it was simply amazing. We went and played three sets of tennis which was nice. A little cold, but we stuck it out. Came home and made stuffed seafood salmon for dinner and had a quiet evening. Played a board game and talked for few minutes afterwards. We set our alarms for 7am because her son has a doubleheader baseball game tomorrow, and the first game is at 9am and the field is about an hour away.

Before bed she finally asked me if I was growing a beard. It only took her nearly a week to recognize.  I figure if I can look like the man she has been sexting/texting with then maybe she will focus that energy on me. Pretty lame to think that, I know. The feeling of failure just takes over my body and the darkness consumes me and makes me believe I am an utter failure. I think I’m going to shave it off tomorrow. I don’t want to have to compete with someone else. I’m too tired for that. Life is too short and I wanna be happy.

Once again I sleep alone tonight. Will be interested to see what happens tomorrow night when we have her son for the night. She has already indicated that she will sleep on the couch so he can have his room to himself. That won’t be awkward for him seeing his mom, my wife, sleeping on the couch and not in her room. She just claims that she is not emotionally ready to share the same bed with me giving the past events that has transpired over the past two weeks. Understandable.

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Photo:  Behrooz Nobakht