The last 24 hours have actually been quite good to me. It started on Saturday when my step-son had a double-header (baseball). First game was at 9am and the second at 1:30pm. The wife and I attended both games and were amicable to each other. There was no physical contact, but at least we were able to communicate and be pleasant with one another. We are good at pretending that everything is perfect while we are in public. Although, she doesn’t wear her ring which bothers me. It’s as if she is embarrassed by me. I have told her this numerous times but it just doesn’t seem to bother her how I’m feeling.
Saturday night she decided that she was going to sleep in the same bed as me and not on the couch as previously threatened. I think this was mostly to do with the fact that we had her son and she didn’t want to have to explain why she was sleeping on the couch. Needless to say I was happy to have my wife in the same bed as me. While in bed she indicated that she would like me to accompany her to TX to help celebrate her best friends sobriety (6 months). I told her that I would be more than happy to attend and felt honored that she would ask.
I know that I still need to confront her and address the issue that she is sending nude pictures and sexting/texting with another man, but I can’t bring myself to do so. I have refrained from watching porn this past week but still feel that it’s not cheating while her actions are unacceptable. However, I don’t want to jinx this weekend and wonderful time that we have been having. Although as mentioned before, it may be superficial but I will take that for now.
My depression has been a roller coaster ride. A lot of ups and downs this past week. Mostly downs, but I am up for now and hopefully can continue to ride this high. However I do know what goes up must come down and it’s only a matter of time before we fight again. I just am afraid of what the outcome is going be. It seems to get worse and worse each time. Maybe I have reached the end of the line. Funny thing, is that I’m ok with that.
Oh how I miss the emotional and physical connection with another human being. What I wouldn’t do to feel the warmth of her body next to mine. A meaningful kiss, a touch of her cheek, holding her hands intermingled with mine. The simplest things in life a husband and wife should enjoy. But for me is a distant memory. Will we ever get back to that or am I destined to be married yet alone?