Finally after months of no sexual contact, my wife and I were finally intimate last night. She decided that rather than relying on her toys, she would be intimate with me instead. However, the feeling of closeness was destined to end in misery. I awoke around 230am and could not go back to sleep. I held my wife for about another hour before I finally got out of bed to use the restroom. Afterwards, since I was up, and not wanting to wake her, I went to the lay on the couch. I stayed up the remainder of the night just reading and killing time on my phone. What I didn’t know was the surprise that awaited me when she awoke.
She awoke upset and angry over the fact that I wasn’t in bed with her and that for the first time I slept on the couch. I indicated to her that I was trying to be considerate and didn’t want to wake her because she had to get up early for work. Although she didn’t see it this way and felt hurt and betrayed. Her feelings were that when she finally opened herself up to me and was vulnerable, I didn’t want to sleep next to her. I assured her that this wasn’t the case and that I wanted to be close with her. But at the same time, I thought I was putting her needs above my own. Meaning that I would let her sleep versus my selfish reasoning for wanting to hold her. Reading on my phone and tossing and turning would just keep her awake.
This fight went on for 2 hours and the verbal abuse and assault with insults just kept coming. I was being yelled at, made fun of, and accused of not understanding her feelings. This made me feel very depressed and useless. I assured her that I never meant to hurt her or not take her feelings into consideration. I now understand her perspective. She felt that I didn’t want to be close to her after making love. She allowed herself to become vulnerable and I disappointed her. I turned her away at her weakest moment. But no matter what I said, it wasn’t the right answer. Now she left for work in a bad mood and I sit writing to strangers about my sex life and marriage.
Sitting alone now I have time to reflect on actions over the past several hours. After what turned out to be an incredible night of love-making, turned into a fire that could have easily been put out. If only I would have stayed in bed and just laid awake, none of this would have happened. If only I would have taken her feelings into consideration when I made a conscious decision to go to the couch. If only…. I could go on and on. But the fact of the matter remains that I made a decision, right or wrong, it happened. I just wish she could see it from my point of view and understand that it wasn’t intentional. Once again, as she states, it’s not just about me. I’m not saying it is, I’m just asking that she see it from my thought process that I wasn’t being cruel, that I do love her and want to be close to her.
Having a mental illness is difficult because now I’m going wonder all day what I did wrong. Feel down about myself, and want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. I know I won’t get any homework done today. I won’t go outside and get some fresh air. All these things of which I know I need to do but my depression consumes me and paralyzes me with fear and anxiety. I just want to be left alone.